Any parent I ask says they love their child unconditionally. Yet, over all these years talking with children and teens, it has become clear to me that they experience love, in part, as conditional.
I once interviewed Jessie Lahey, the author of “The Gift of Failure.” She shared that when she visits schools to give talks, she asks students to raise their hands if they feel their parents love them more when they get better grades. Every time, over half of the students raise their hands.
Jennifer Breheny Wallace, an award-winning journalist, wrote the following in her book, “Never Enough.”
“…they are natural prodigies at translating our doublespeak, like when we say that grades aren’t everything but then ask how the test went the minute they walk in the door.”
… The consequences of associating love with achievement can last far beyond childhood. It can set our children up for a lifelong pattern of accepting themselves only with strings attached: I’ll be worthy when I get straight As, lose ten pounds, get 100K followers.”
This is a big, important, and messy topic—parent-child love. It encompasses how a child experiences love, both consciously and unconsciously.
I hope this blog inspires you to reflect on the ways you might be giving your child the impression that love is conditional — based on what they do, say, how they perform, how they look, what they hope to do in the future, and so on.
This reflection might inspire you to give your child a bear hug and say something like,
“I love you just as you are. I know I sometimes talk about how important it is to do this or that, and sometimes I say you shouldn’t do certain things or that you should do more of something else. But the complete truth is, I love you. You are wonderful exactly as you are, and I am unbelievably lucky to have you in my life.”
The impossible task of not implying conditional love
We parents have the impossible task of trying to motivate our kids to “reach their full potential.” We get excited and jump up and down — metaphorically, literally, or both — when they succeed at things.
Our motivation and excitement can give them the impression that our love for them is tied to their achievements, making them feel that we love them more when they succeed. And, we get disappointed when it seems like all they want to do is play video games. We get angry when they sneak video gaming in the middle of the night. Or, we might lash out if we catch them drinking or smoking.
“Just as long as you are trying your best”
We say things like, “Just as long as you’re trying your best,” which is a perfect example of conditional love. I advise the parents I work with not to say this phrase. They don’t mean any harm, but it puts a lot of emphasis on performance.
I am in the same boat as all parents
I have no doubt that while my kids know that I love them to the moon and back, their brains hear my motivations, the twinge in my voice, that they may interpret as a disappointment and unconsciously feel a sense of conditionality.
I make a point to tell them often that they are wonderful, just as they are. But I want to do it even more.
We are all in this together. Anyone reading this knows that, as parents, we understand kids often feel love is conditional. We can work to help counter that false belief.
Questions to get the conversation started with your group or family.
- In what ways do we feel judged in our lives? Via grades, sports, work 360 reviews, and more.
- As your parent, are there things I say or do that make you feel put down or make you feel that you are not enough just as you are?
- Have I been pointing out enough of the many ways you are wonderful just as you are, or could I be doing that more?
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