Ready or not, the holiday season is upon us, starting with Thanksgiving in two days. If you are like me, you may be experiencing a mix of warmth AND tension. Intricate dynamics of family gatherings can amplify the usual holiday stress.
Contrary to the idyllic scenes in Hallmark cards, where families are toasting at dinner with beaming smiles, the reality can be starkly different. It might be more like people wanting to throw their wine at each other at the table. These underlying tensions are precisely why some individuals find themselves drinking a lot at family gatherings — an attempt to alleviate stress. However, as shown in Screenagers Under The Influence, this strategy can often backfire, leading to more complications than relief.
Today, I’m discussing two important topics. First, how can we leverage these complex family gatherings to enhance empathy and communication skills in our children? And second, how can we increase joy and positivity during family get-togethers by thinking up specific activities in advance?
Boosting Empathy and Communication Skills
Separate the person from the expectation
While working on a film about re-establishing a connection with my father, who lived with schizophrenia throughout my life, I observed something transformative. Watching the film crew interact with him, I heard their genuine appreciation for his many wonderful qualities, like his sense of humor and intellect. This experience was eye-opening. It made me realize that my preconceived notions of what I wanted him to be as a father clouded my ability to appreciate him more fully.
It wouldn’t surprise me if you have mixed feelings towards family members like your mom, dad, sister, or brother, stemming from unmet expectations. We often carry around thoughts of how they should behave — for instance, believing “a sister should be someone who does this, but mine never does,” or “My dad would be a good father if he did certain things, but he never does.” These ‘should’ feelings dampen our ability to appreciate the goodness that does exist in these individuals.
Before the holidays arrive, can you take some time for introspection to identify your expectations (these expectations very much overlap with our hopes and wishes)? Then, try to consider each family member simply as an individual rather than focusing on the roles they play in your life. This shift in perspective might help you see them in a new light.
Now, engage in a conversation with your child about this family member, but from this refreshed viewpoint. Share with your child the aspects you genuinely appreciate about this person. Doing so will provide a new perspective and a wonderful way to foster empathy in your child as they listen to you speak positively and appreciatively about this person with whom you have a complicated relationship.
Synergize
Another idea is inspired by Steven Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” which has to do with “Synergize.” Isn’t that a cool word?! Synergize refers to uniting different people’s strengths through teamwork to achieve goals beyond what individuals could accomplish on their own.
So why not explain this term to your child before a holiday gathering and talk about a challenging family member and how together you can synergize — i.e., find ways to make the time with the family member (or a particular non-family guest) go better?!
For instance, you might say to your teen, “You’ve seen how Grandpa sometimes tries to be funny by teasing others, but it often dampens the mood at our gatherings. What if we work together — synergize — and if we notice he’s starting to do this, we gently redirect? We could tell him we have something interesting to show him and then lead him to the den to look at some old college photos of him. Do you have other ideas of how we can synergize?“
Enhancing Joy
To enhance the joy of the occasion, consider engaging in connection-promoting activities. Reflecting on a blog post I revisited from 2018, here are some togetherness activities for your family this Thanksgiving:
- Photo Memories: Dive into a collection of this year’s photos. Spread out printed photos like a puzzle and have everyone pick their favorites. It’s a delightful way to stroll down memory lane.
- Dance Across Generations: Break the mold by initiating a dance session. From square dancing to the Macarena, ballroom steps, or even disco, encourage everyone to share dances from their era. It’s time to make dance a part of our family traditions beyond just weddings.
- Cloud Gazing: Inspired by Gavin Pretor-Pinney’s Cloud Appreciation Society from a TED Radio podcast, consider spending time marveling at the sky. It’s a peaceful activity, though a bit tricky in cloud-covered places like Seattle!
- Neighborhood Walk of Thanks: Go for a walk and express gratitude to your neighbors. Whether a face-to-face thank you or a thoughtful note left at their door, it’s a heartwarming way to acknowledge and appreciate your community.
These activities embody the spirit of Thanksgiving, cherishing moments, expressing gratitude, and building stronger bonds within families and communities.
Questions to get the conversations flowing
- When you think of this upcoming holiday season, starting with Thanksgiving, what gives you a warm feeling inside? What are things you really enjoy about the day?
- When thinking about the day, can you think of anything that brings up stress?
- How about any tensions around family members?
- What are some traits in family members that push our buttons?
- What do you think about the concept of Synergize?
- Do you have any ideas for activities or discussions we can plan ahead to bring more fun and connectedness to the day?
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